Full of memories and nightmares. Sometimes I forget how angry I am. How resentful I am.
How angry I am at my friends and family for not realizing something was up and thinking that I was the kid of person to be okay with the situation I was in. Angrier at myself for putting up the false exterior that made them believe and think that in the first place.
The one that gets me though. Really gets me. My dad. Some of it I'm sure can be attributed to my step mom, but really it was dad. He's the one who said those things. He made those decisions. He actually believed that I would marry someone he did not approve of.
Part of the reason I was so ashamed and hid behind the mask I made for myself is because I always felt that dad had taught me better. To never be a victim. And I let him down. Then when I finally got over that this happened:
Me: "do you know what happened?"
Dad: "no, and I don't want to. Whatever happened I'm sure you deserved it."
That stings. It hurts. It's the worse thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was then I realized that I shouldn't feel guilty about letting him down or disappointing him. He let me down. And I realized that he's always let me down and I've always been disappointed in him.
People say that you can have several dads but you only have one mom. That's not true for me. I've had several moms. My mom knows this and acknowledges that she was never really a mom to me, but these women were. Some were aunts, dad's exs, step mom, friends' moms, and so on. But I've only had one dad. He's my daddy and I love him no matter what. But I'm so disappointed in him.
So disappointed. At myself.