Monday, February 27, 2012

Yet another project...

So... I'm already going insane by working on several different projects at once. Some is school, some are commissioned pieces, some are for fun and practice, and now this is for Ashley's 5th birthday.

The party is going to be Tangled. So Ash will wear her Rapunzel dress that I made her for Halloween last year and I am making everyone braid berets. I just did one to see if I would like them, and I'm going with it.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Today's vet visit...

Today both cats went to get their boosters and schedule their next appointments. They go back on March 3rd.

Everything with Morigana is good and she's getting spayed when they go back.

Lucifer... well, another vet and vet tech both listened to his heart and even though the heart murmur is entered into their system as a 3 (the scale is 1-6, 6 being the worst), they couldn't hear it. When they go back he is getting his blood work and x-rays done. If the heart is not enlarged and everything looks good, they are going to go ahead and do the dental work. If something seems off, they are going to talk things over with me and see where to go from there.

So... breathe... I think I have calmed down quite a bit about this though... Still scared as hell.

I can't loose my baby boy.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Kids are scary...

So yesterday Ash scared me. She was playing, tripped, and hit her head on the coffee table. She was stumbling for a bit, and when I was on the phone with the nurse she kept trying to fall asleep. But kept her up and took her to the ER with Scott. After a couple hours of waiting, the bleeding finally stopped and it started closing up. Realized it really wasn't worth the trip, but I knew her teachers would want to know what happened and if a doctor saw it, and I wanted the peace of mind of having it looked at. And Scott pointed out that we had already checked in, they knew she was hurt, and if we left it would look bad. I'd rather be seen as the overprotective parent, than the irresponsible one. They looked, cleared her to go home. No stitches, just have to be gentle with it until it heals, which they said shouldn't take too long. So all good. Maybe now she'll clean up her toys... NOT. Little shit... I mean that in the most loving way possible!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Society needs to change

Although I'm on Tumblr, I did not get this from there. Someone actually posted it in a forum. And I love this!!

It's kinda funny

Last week was hell for me. HELL. And I'm trying to not fall back into that mindset this week. But last week did make me realize something... disappointing, yet expected.

My local friends really don't know that much... about me, what's going on, or they just really don't care. Okay, that's not true, I know they care in their own way. I guess they just can't be bothered.

But seriously... all my friends that are in other states, even those in other countries are the ones who immediately knew something was up and contacted me. And just the "I'm sorry" "feel better" and all those other things people tend to say when they don't know what else to say. No, they actually talked to me about it.

And Scott. It's always Scott. I love that we're friends and that he is such a good friend to me, sometimes I don't think I deserve him as a friend.

Thursday, February 2, 2012


So... both cats went to the vet today. They go back in 3 weeks for their boosters. Everything with Morigana is fine, and when we go in 3 weeks they will schedule her spay. Lucifer...

His teeth are really bad, so he needs dental work. Normally wouldn't be a problem, but he has a heart murmur. This is new. It can be caused by several things, and we need to know what is causing it. And the dental problems can make it worse, but we can't do the dental work until we know what is causing the murmur because the cause may mean they can't put him under anesthesia. So that mean, complete blood work, urine analysis, x-rays, and an echo. He has to go to a cardiologist.

They said that no matter what the cause, it all comes down to one thing - he will die from heart failure. It's just a matter of finding out what the underlying condition is so we can know how long he has and if we can medicate him. But...

I'm so scared. He's my baby. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's saved me so many times. I love him.

Bad Week

Full of memories and nightmares. Sometimes I forget how angry I am. How resentful I am.

How angry I am at my friends and family for not realizing something was up and thinking that I was the kid of person to be okay with the situation I was in. Angrier at myself for putting up the false exterior that made them believe and think that in the first place.

The one that gets me though. Really gets me. My dad. Some of it I'm sure can be attributed to my step mom, but really it was dad. He's the one who said those things. He made those decisions. He actually believed that I would marry someone he did not approve of.

Part of the reason I was so ashamed and hid behind the mask I made for myself is because I always felt that dad had taught me better. To never be a victim. And I let him down. Then when I finally got over that this happened:

Me: "do you know what happened?"
Dad: "no, and I don't want to. Whatever happened I'm sure you deserved it."

That stings. It hurts. It's the worse thing anyone has ever said to me.

It was then I realized that I shouldn't feel guilty about letting him down or disappointing him. He let me down. And I realized that he's always let me down and I've always been disappointed in him.

People say that you can have several dads but you only have one mom. That's not true for me. I've had several moms. My mom knows this and acknowledges that she was never really a mom to me, but these women were. Some were aunts, dad's exs, step mom, friends' moms, and so on. But I've only had one dad. He's my daddy and I love him no matter what. But I'm so disappointed in him.

So disappointed. At myself.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


As I sit here on campus waiting for my Latin class to begin I'm looking around and realizing that there's an unusual number of creepy old men around that aren't normally here.

Normally I wouldn't think twice but they keep staring at me. One made it a point to walk around the table I'm sitting at twice before picking a table directly across from me.

It's times like this where I would like to be able to go throughout my day without feeling violated. On Monday there were men like this on the bus. I ended up walking about 2 1/2 miles home so I wouldn't have to deal with them staring, smiling, and trying to talk to me.

Sorry creepy men, I can't hear you over James Hetfield singing in my ear.

I go run away to my happy place now.

Stay crazy.