Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I give up

It's like talking to a wall.  I just don't know anymore.  I can't keep doing this. 

I'm too depressed as it is. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I need a break from myself

For almost two months now Morigana has been being such a fucking bitch to Lucifer that I don't know what to do.  As for now, she's in what I call solitary confinment.  She's locked in one of the bathrooms.  I go in twice a day to spend time with her, refill her food and water bowls, and clean the litter box.  Every couple of days I let her out to roam around the rest of the apartment until she goes after Lucy again (which is within 5 minutes of her being out). 

Why did I start doing this? 

Because for the first time in my life I actually wanted to and saw myself severely hurting an animal, even killing her.  I seriously saw myself breaking her neck.  That's not good.  It scared the crap out of me. 

She's been after Lucy so much, she wouldn't let him leave my room.  Food and water bowls are in there, but no litter boxes, so he started peeing and pooping under my bed.  Not cool.  I banned them from the rooms, and started mixing a calming pheramone (it's worked before) into their water.  Instead she started trapping him in the kitchen, and one day I woke up to discover what seemed like both of them sat on the other and pissed.  It's not fun to come home to find cat shit in your kitchen cabinets and on top of your fridge, or on both of your cats.  I blocked those routes.  She trapped him in the bathroom in the corner behind the toilet, he didn't eat or drink for days and barely had the energy to get up or defend himself when she would go in there and attack him.  I started locking her in her carrier at night so Lucy could be with us at night and have some peace.  In the morning he started to refuse to leave the room, and at night she started attacking me.  I broke.  And now, I don't know what to do with her. 

So that's the cats...

With everything else... It's getting harder and harder to keep going.  I have to, and I hate that I have to. 

And when it comes to Scott... I just don't know anymore.  I don't know.