Tuesday, June 12, 2012


Sometimes... I just want to say fuck it, but I can't.  I know I can't.  I couldn't forgive myself. 

As always, the summer months are always the hardest to get by financially. 

I brought my sister here to help.  She just got a job working a carnival throughout the state.  She's making less than minimum wage.  She told mom that she was planning on giving me everything she made, but I know that won't happen. 

I've been applying everywhere I can, but for someone who hasn't worked in 7 years and has a child with special needs at home, employers don't want to take that risk.  No one will give me a chance.  So, I just keep applying and trying to get my name out there. 

I've made money from crocheting and painting.  Finally fully set up my Etsy account (nesuwiga.etsy.com - go, spend money!).  Hopefully something will sell.  But then... I can't find my crochet hooks anywhere.  Since my mom and them have been around, everything has been misplaced and then when I ask them it's always the same, "nope, haven't seen it, didn't touch it", me asking if they even know what it is or what it looks like, "well no", me explaining what it was, "oh...yeah... I don't remember"...

So there goes my one good source of income.  I can paint, but by the time they're painted and ready to sell, there's no way I could get the money before July and right now I'm about $400 short on rent.  I still owe $144 to the phone company, and the vet bill for July is $53.  How the fuck am I going to do it?? 

I know I can't ask my dad.  I've had one friend offer to front me the money, but I'm wary because although I know she makes good money at a nice job, she's not yet a permanent employee and I won't be able to pay her back till the end of August.  I'm just not comfortable with it, but I may have to.  I don't know... :( 

And I don't want to tell Scott, but I don't know how I can keep this from him.  Then his parents will find out and try to help and they've already done so much for me.  I just don't know...

I'm going to take my frustrations out on the apartment and get it clean.  And cook. 

Making indian tacos tomorrow for everyone.  Northern style, the good frybread.  Just wish I could afford bison, but at $10 a pound, no way in hell. 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Summer time...

Semester ended about a month ago.  I got one A and one B.  Kinda upset, wanted to keep the strait A thing going, but what are you gonna do.  I missed so many classes because the kid kept getting sick.  Next semester, I'm going to go full time again.  I'm freaking out.  I don't know what to do with her when she gets out of school, because I'll still be in school. 

My mom came to help me the last few weeks of school with Ash, since she was out of one of her schools and I had finals.  Then she brought down Randall.  Randall... The father of my ex-husband, who is in a fucked up relationship with my mother (he's abusive mentally, and she won't fucking get rid of his ass), I hate him, but we keep in civil because he has an interest in the kid and he is her grandfather. 

Then the little sister (who stayed in Wisconsin) kept fucking around up there, so mom brought her down as well.  The original plan was for her to come here, and help me.  I finally open up and admit that I need help and this is what happens...

It's been a month... they don't have steady jobs.  They're starting to take over my apartment, and the sister just keeps having pity parties for herself and doing the whole "no one listens, no one cares, poor me" bullshit.  She's been having an attitude every damn time I ask her to do anything.  She's bitching because she's been sleeping in the living room even though I told her she could stay in the kid's room (she sleeps with me anyway and there's a full sized bed in there). 

So... I'm even more stressed out than before and now have more fucking mouths to feed.  They got foodstamps, but they don't know shit about budgeting out anything or smart buying. 

Today I told my sister that her feeling sorry for herself will do nothing to help her in life and that I can't afford to have another dependent. 

She's on her way over here (I'm dog sitting for a couple friends) and then I plan on talking to her some more about it.  I'm tempted to give her a dead line and point out that I don't care if they are family or not, I will kick them out of my home. 

On Tuesday, when I'm done dogsitting, I'm going to talk to all of them and reaffirm my boundaries. 

It's my home and I don't like that I'm starting to feel unwelcomed there and like I'm a stranger.  I can't focus, so I can't paint.  And I need to paint. 

I hate summer time.