Thursday, January 3, 2013


I'm an idiot. I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone who cannot return those feelings.

Due to events that happened before we met, he is emotionally dead. I knew that, thought that I could keep it just a fun casual thing. And I'm an idiot.

And when he was starting to feel again, I freaked out and pushed him away. So, not only am I an idiot, but I also have commitment issues. Even after years of counseling to heal from the abuse my ex husband did to me, I still choose to be in various relationships that I know will not work out.

And as much as I love him and think that it would be wonderful if it would work out and we would get married and he would adopt Ash... I don't want him to get better. Because it scares me.

I want to go to Leeds for my masters... if he heals, I may not be able to.  It's selfish, but I've already waited 3 years... By the time I'm ready to go to Leeds it will be almost 5 years... I've already told him.  And I couldn't read him.  And that just reminded me that I'm an idiot. 

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