Fuck...

Sometimes... I just want to say fuck it, but I can't.  I know I can't.  I couldn't forgive myself. 

As always, the summer months are always the hardest to get by financially. 

I brought my sister here to help.  She just got a job working a carnival throughout the state.  She's making less than minimum wage.  She told mom that she was planning on giving me everything she made, but I know that won't happen. 

I've been applying everywhere I can, but for someone who hasn't worked in 7 years and has a child with special needs at home, employers don't want to take that risk.  No one will give me a chance.  So, I just keep applying and trying to get my name out there. 

I've made money from crocheting and painting.  Finally fully set up my Etsy account (nesuwiga.etsy.com - go, spend money!).  Hopefully something will sell.  But then... I can't find my crochet hooks anywhere.  Since my mom and them have been around, everything has been misplaced and then when I ask them it's always the same, "nope, haven't seen it, didn't touch it", me asking if they even know what it is or what it looks like, "well no", me explaining what it was, "oh...yeah... I don't remember"...

So there goes my one good source of income.  I can paint, but by the time they're painted and ready to sell, there's no way I could get the money before July and right now I'm about $400 short on rent.  I still owe $144 to the phone company, and the vet bill for July is $53.  How the fuck am I going to do it?? 

I know I can't ask my dad.  I've had one friend offer to front me the money, but I'm wary because although I know she makes good money at a nice job, she's not yet a permanent employee and I won't be able to pay her back till the end of August.  I'm just not comfortable with it, but I may have to.  I don't know... :( 

And I don't want to tell Scott, but I don't know how I can keep this from him.  Then his parents will find out and try to help and they've already done so much for me.  I just don't know...

I'm going to take my frustrations out on the apartment and get it clean.  And cook. 

Making indian tacos tomorrow for everyone.  Northern style, the good frybread.  Just wish I could afford bison, but at $10 a pound, no way in hell. 

Summer time...

Semester ended about a month ago.  I got one A and one B.  Kinda upset, wanted to keep the strait A thing going, but what are you gonna do.  I missed so many classes because the kid kept getting sick.  Next semester, I'm going to go full time again.  I'm freaking out.  I don't know what to do with her when she gets out of school, because I'll still be in school. 

My mom came to help me the last few weeks of school with Ash, since she was out of one of her schools and I had finals.  Then she brought down Randall.  Randall... The father of my ex-husband, who is in a fucked up relationship with my mother (he's abusive mentally, and she won't fucking get rid of his ass), I hate him, but we keep in civil because he has an interest in the kid and he is her grandfather. 

Then the little sister (who stayed in Wisconsin) kept fucking around up there, so mom brought her down as well.  The original plan was for her to come here, and help me.  I finally open up and admit that I need help and this is what happens...

It's been a month... they don't have steady jobs.  They're starting to take over my apartment, and the sister just keeps having pity parties for herself and doing the whole "no one listens, no one cares, poor me" bullshit.  She's been having an attitude every damn time I ask her to do anything.  She's bitching because she's been sleeping in the living room even though I told her she could stay in the kid's room (she sleeps with me anyway and there's a full sized bed in there). 

So... I'm even more stressed out than before and now have more fucking mouths to feed.  They got foodstamps, but they don't know shit about budgeting out anything or smart buying. 

Today I told my sister that her feeling sorry for herself will do nothing to help her in life and that I can't afford to have another dependent. 

She's on her way over here (I'm dog sitting for a couple friends) and then I plan on talking to her some more about it.  I'm tempted to give her a dead line and point out that I don't care if they are family or not, I will kick them out of my home. 

On Tuesday, when I'm done dogsitting, I'm going to talk to all of them and reaffirm my boundaries. 

It's my home and I don't like that I'm starting to feel unwelcomed there and like I'm a stranger.  I can't focus, so I can't paint.  And I need to paint. 

I hate summer time. 

I don't like this...

As some know, I have a daughter who just turned 5 a month ago. When she was about 14 months old, during a checkup, her doctor first stated that Ash didn't seem to be developing at a normal right. She still was not walking, and had only just started standing on her own. The thought had been in the back of my mind, but being mom and not wanting anything wrong with my child, I had ignored it. She recommended referring Ashley to a developmental program because of physical delays. I postponed, because I wanted to see if Ash would start on her own. By June, she hadn't. The referral was sent. Ash started walking July 4th of that year, about a week after the referral was sent, but I decided to let the program at least evaluate her because I had growing concerns about Ash not doubling her birth weight yet and she had started to bang her head on the floor and wall and didn't show signs of pain. On July 30th of 2008, they evaluated her. After the tests, they determined that she did not need physical therapy, but they felt she had some sensory issues and noticed a language delay. She began speech and occupational therapy almost immediately. On April 22nd of 2009, she was given an evaluation by the Early Childhood Evaluation Program. The evaluation team found that there was no clear cut diagnosis for her delays or underlying causes without further testing. They did state that she has developmental delays, which include a speech delay and Sensory Processing Disorder. The evaluators also noted that they had never seen or heard of a child like Ashley with the wide range of sensory issues she had. Since, she's been in different programs and recieving therapy for them. She finally got an MRI, it had been the hope of those involved with her case that it would give us some answers as to what was going on, but it was clean and gave us no new insight. Next year she goes to kindergarten. Today I had an IEP meeting with her teacher, her speech therapist, an IEP specialist, a regular kindergarten teacher, and a special education kindergarten teacher. Although the sensory is no longer an issue, the speech still is. She still has deficits in the areas of expressive and receptive language, communication, and social-emotional skills related to language and communication. We've requested that she have an early re-evaluation before her scheduled one in July of 2013. Until then, next year she will be placed in a regular classroom and then moved to a special ed classroom for reading and math. No matter how much time has passed, no matter how many times they tell me that everything will get easier... it doesn't. It still hurts. I have so much guilt surrounding all of this. It doesn't get easier, it gets harder. There are still days when, I just can't do it. People wonder why I take on as many projects as I do, why I keep busy all the time. Why I'm currently making about 5 different crochet projects, painting 3 different paintings (and planning more), reading about 7 books, and all on top of my classes, Ashley's doctor appointments, and all these meetings for everything. I can't be alone with my thoughts. I just can't.

Pet peeve

So this is going to be a rant centered around one of my biggest pet peeves.

As some know, I post regularly in a forum, and I love it. Most of the people are great and supportive, but there are a few... well... fuck being nice, they're dumbasses. Most of the ones that piss me off are the young teen girls who go on and on about when they get pregnant blah blah blah or the guys (who don't have kids and aren't in relationships) that are 100% against abortion and birth control. But today... it's the non parents and some parents.

The topic under discussion is discipline and where the line is between discipline and abuse. This quickly turned into a spanking is bad-blah-blah-whinny-bullshit-shut the fuck up kinda thing.

Now... I believe in discipline, if that includes spanking, have at it! Everyone is different, every kid is different, every parent is different. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I admit that I sometimes will spank Ash. I know sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes just the threat works. As she gets older it's easier to talk to her about her behavior and correct it that way. It's also getting easier to reward good behavior because she is starting to grasp more social constructs. I don't know if that's the right word, and I really don't give a shit right now.

But what gets me... what pisses me the fuck off... Is all the non parents that do the whole, "when I have kids I would never..." blah blah crap. Yeah, when you have kids. Sure. Of course you'll be a great parent and your children will be perfect little angels and never have any problems and you'll just be one big happy family with no problems at all and will just be nothing but smiles! Good for you! Now, go have kids, and talk to me in a few years. Let's see how much shit you keep hiden and swept under the rug.

But the ones that are parents and say that shit... it's like... Good for you! Would you like a cookie? I'll make sure to send you a card that says "Congratulations on being a better parent than I am! I can only hope to be just like you!"

Or the ones (both groups of self righteous dumbasses) that go on and on about how if they were in my shoes... Are you volunteering to care for my child and have it a go? No? Then shut the fuck up and mind your own fucking business. Oh, you do what to have a go at it? Not so easy now was that? Of course it's because I've already tainted the child and if she had been with you since birth she would be much better. Would you like a cookie?

Seriously... Oh the various gods and goddesses please do not let the self righteous dumbasses reproduce! And if they already have, lets expose their skeletons.

Birthdays, Morigana, Dates, Computers and Weddings

The parasite/tyrant (kiddo) turned 5 on the 10th. Unfortunately we were both sick. My original plan was to make everyone northern style indian tacos with bison meat, but since I was sick and Amber (friend came to help because she's awesome!) was also sick, we didn't feel comfortable mixing all the dough. So pizza was ordered instead! But poor little kiddo. Although she felt like crap, she was such a trooper! She got cool new clothes, purses, a barbie, bubbles, sunglasses, legos, and various other little things. And a bike. She loves that damn bike. lol Next time I need to remember not to get one with a bell... or tassels (Lucifer likes to eat ribbon and anything similar).

I turned 25 on the 12th. And I really wanted to celebrate this birthday. Actually do something. But I was still sick, so the friends that didn't already have other plans, avoided me. But I was going to go paint someones nursery, but I didn't have the strength too. So although I wanted to go out and do stuff, I couldn't because of how sick I was, how miserable I felt, and when I did go outside I just wanted to go back inside and hide from everyone. So... that sucked. But on Tuesday Amber took me out for a birthday lunch and Kasey met up with us. And that made me a happy redhead. :)

Thursday Morigana had her follow up appointment. She's having a reaction to the internal stitches, but it's common and as long as she doesn't scratch at the area, and the area doesn't get any harder, she should be fine.

Scott took me out for an actual date on Thursday. I wore my new dress and we went to get sea food. Yummy! I was able to get a plate of redfish, grilled with lemon pepper, and oh man did that bring back good memories from the Valley and South Padre. But damn did the price go up. It's now about $22 for a plate of redfish.

Before leaving to do everything on Thursday, my laptop did the evil blue screen of death. So that's no fun. It restarted with no problem. But me being me, I got a new one. So now I have this new one as a back up for when the other finally crashes.

A good friend of mine, Rose, got married Friday (yesterday). I wish I could have been there, but since everything with the cats started, I cancelled the trip. I'm also not going to another friends wedding in June. But Amber and Jose went and I really hope they enjoy Seattle. Oh the various gods and goddesses, I love that town. If possible I will move there.

That's enough updating for now. No more incite into my fucked up head for now.

Kitty Update!

Today was the day!

Morigana got spayed, thank the various gods and goddesses because I couldn't stand her going into heat every other week much longer. Surgery went great, but they did discover that she has tape worms. Which explains why at 11 months she still only weighs 6lbs. Poor baby. But they treated her, so hopefully soon she'll start putting on weight.

Lucifer... oh so scary for me. But they did the x-rays and the EKG. His heart is normal size and shape, and the heart murmur is smaller than before. He kinda cut them up a bit during the x-rays. Him and all his extra toes... He's so cute, my little Lucifer. ;) So, with everything looking good, they went ahead and did the dental work. And of course all day long I just kept thinking of the worse case scenarios (what if it's something else causing the heart murmur and they put him under and something goes wrong and he has heart failure?!). Luckily though, that was not the case and everything went smoothly and great.

They are both home now and recovering. Already eating and doing good. Best part though... Morigana has to wear a cone of shame. LMAO Oh it's awesome! Poor kitty, but LMAO!

So... got back and I had to hold her while my friend put it on her. As soon as we got it on, she took off... it kinda threw her off and she almost knocked over the coffee table and then proceeded to run through the living room and kitchen before finally making it into my bedroom, but oh, so fucking funny... she made a path going through everything and we could hear her run into everything! I fell over laughing. Still laughing. A couple minutes ago I had to get her unstuck from under my bed. Which I found very funny since Scott had just texted saying to make sure she didn't get stuck anywhere. AHAHAHA Oh I'm terrible... But it's still funny as hell. Poor baby. hehe.

Yet another project...

So... I'm already going insane by working on several different projects at once. Some is school, some are commissioned pieces, some are for fun and practice, and now this is for Ashley's 5th birthday.

The party is going to be Tangled. So Ash will wear her Rapunzel dress that I made her for Halloween last year and I am making everyone braid berets. I just did one to see if I would like them, and I'm going with it.