Fuck...

Sometimes... I just want to say fuck it, but I can't.  I know I can't.  I couldn't forgive myself. 

As always, the summer months are always the hardest to get by financially. 

I brought my sister here to help.  She just got a job working a carnival throughout the state.  She's making less than minimum wage.  She told mom that she was planning on giving me everything she made, but I know that won't happen. 

I've been applying everywhere I can, but for someone who hasn't worked in 7 years and has a child with special needs at home, employers don't want to take that risk.  No one will give me a chance.  So, I just keep applying and trying to get my name out there. 

I've made money from crocheting and painting.  Finally fully set up my Etsy account (nesuwiga.etsy.com - go, spend money!).  Hopefully something will sell.  But then... I can't find my crochet hooks anywhere.  Since my mom and them have been around, everything has been misplaced and then when I ask them it's always the same, "nope, haven't seen it, didn't touch it", me asking if they even know what it is or what it looks like, "well no", me explaining what it was, "oh...yeah... I don't remember"...

So there goes my one good source of income.  I can paint, but by the time they're painted and ready to sell, there's no way I could get the money before July and right now I'm about $400 short on rent.  I still owe $144 to the phone company, and the vet bill for July is $53.  How the fuck am I going to do it?? 

I know I can't ask my dad.  I've had one friend offer to front me the money, but I'm wary because although I know she makes good money at a nice job, she's not yet a permanent employee and I won't be able to pay her back till the end of August.  I'm just not comfortable with it, but I may have to.  I don't know... :( 

And I don't want to tell Scott, but I don't know how I can keep this from him.  Then his parents will find out and try to help and they've already done so much for me.  I just don't know...

I'm going to take my frustrations out on the apartment and get it clean.  And cook. 

Making indian tacos tomorrow for everyone.  Northern style, the good frybread.  Just wish I could afford bison, but at $10 a pound, no way in hell.