FYI

I'm an idiot. I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone who cannot return those feelings.

Due to events that happened before we met, he is emotionally dead. I knew that, thought that I could keep it just a fun casual thing. And I'm an idiot.

And when he was starting to feel again, I freaked out and pushed him away. So, not only am I an idiot, but I also have commitment issues. Even after years of counseling to heal from the abuse my ex husband did to me, I still choose to be in various relationships that I know will not work out.

And as much as I love him and think that it would be wonderful if it would work out and we would get married and he would adopt Ash... I don't want him to get better. Because it scares me.

I want to go to Leeds for my masters... if he heals, I may not be able to.  It's selfish, but I've already waited 3 years... By the time I'm ready to go to Leeds it will be almost 5 years... I've already told him.  And I couldn't read him.  And that just reminded me that I'm an idiot. 

I give up

It's like talking to a wall.  I just don't know anymore.  I can't keep doing this. 

I'm too depressed as it is. 

I need a break from myself

For almost two months now Morigana has been being such a fucking bitch to Lucifer that I don't know what to do.  As for now, she's in what I call solitary confinment.  She's locked in one of the bathrooms.  I go in twice a day to spend time with her, refill her food and water bowls, and clean the litter box.  Every couple of days I let her out to roam around the rest of the apartment until she goes after Lucy again (which is within 5 minutes of her being out). 

Why did I start doing this? 

Because for the first time in my life I actually wanted to and saw myself severely hurting an animal, even killing her.  I seriously saw myself breaking her neck.  That's not good.  It scared the crap out of me. 

She's been after Lucy so much, she wouldn't let him leave my room.  Food and water bowls are in there, but no litter boxes, so he started peeing and pooping under my bed.  Not cool.  I banned them from the rooms, and started mixing a calming pheramone (it's worked before) into their water.  Instead she started trapping him in the kitchen, and one day I woke up to discover what seemed like both of them sat on the other and pissed.  It's not fun to come home to find cat shit in your kitchen cabinets and on top of your fridge, or on both of your cats.  I blocked those routes.  She trapped him in the bathroom in the corner behind the toilet, he didn't eat or drink for days and barely had the energy to get up or defend himself when she would go in there and attack him.  I started locking her in her carrier at night so Lucy could be with us at night and have some peace.  In the morning he started to refuse to leave the room, and at night she started attacking me.  I broke.  And now, I don't know what to do with her. 

So that's the cats...

With everything else... It's getting harder and harder to keep going.  I have to, and I hate that I have to. 

And when it comes to Scott... I just don't know anymore.  I don't know. 

I'm so fucking frustrated!!

Okay... so there's Scott... on off on off on off... for almost three fucking years now.  Still emotionally dead because of what his ex fiance did to him.  Says he's over it, but yet... still fucking emotionally dead.  SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!  oh, you are... WELL APPARENTLY NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL CLOSED OFF TO EVERYONE!  AND YOU DON'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT! 

Says he cares about us and wants to make sure we are okay... guess what... the only thing I need now is a stable relationship with someone who loves me... the only thing Ashley needs is a stable daddy figure that loves her... but guess what else... YOU DON'T FUCKING LOVE US!!  I DON'T CARE HOW EVER YOU WORD HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT US, THE BOTTOM LINE IS ALWAYS YOU DON'T LOVE US!! 

I'M SO TIRED OF GOING THROUGH EVERYTHING!!  JUST ONCE I WANT A FUCKING BREAK!  I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!  I'M 25, I'M TIRED, I CAN'T TAKE IT!  BUT I HAVE ASHLEY AND I CAN'T LEAVE HER, BUT I JUST WANT IT TO STOP.  I'M SO TIRED OF BEING ALONE.  so tired. 

So Yesterday...

       
My mom went on a whole rant about how she never abused me and I’m full of shit. While going on this rant she also admitted to a couple times that she did in fact beat me (incidents I don’t remember), but said she couldn’t remember all the ones I did remember. So therefore, they’re all lies and I’m delusional. She also bitched about an incident when I was in 5th grade. A girl in my class told the teacher that my mom beat me, teacher reported it, me and my older sister where sent to the office where CPS looked at us, didn’t find any marks and we both stuck with our stories that she spanked us when we were brats, but didn’t beat us. CPS also interviewed mom and Nana, they denied everything. The case was dropped. Mom actually beat me that night, I remember being thrown, then waking up on Nana’s bed. But aparently, according to mom, that never happened. Funny, since Nana had remembered it, so did two of my aunts who weren’t even there at the time, but no one will say anything to mom. She also bitched about how pissed off everyone still is about it and how dare I tell the teacher that. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter how much I tell them my side, it will never be heard.


She went on and on bitching about me, until I finally managed to break in and turn the conversation to the topic on hand, talking about a friend and her family and contemplating why she seems to be so self conscience and such low self esteem when she really shouldn’t.


I’m glad I was able to do that because I know, she would have continued on and defended my ex-husband and blamed everything on me. For those that don’t know, my ex-husband (my daughter’s father) was abusive. I never wanted to marry him, but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I did. After a year of marriage I became pregnant, he told me to “get rid of it”, and that’s when I snapped and said no. Then the abuse went from just mental and verbal to those plus physical and sexual. I finally managed to get out when my daughter was 4 months old. I got restraining orders on him, but since I had fled to another state, I couldn’t press charges. When I left, that night, I asked the police for help finding a shelter or just some type of help, they encouraged me to go back to him because we were married and a family. I kept driving until I was about 200 miles away, found a motel, and after getting us in there, made sure no one could see in through the windows and that they could not be opened, checked the locks on the door and blocked it. Next day, I just kept on, putting as much distance as possible between us and him, never knowing if he would get his family to help bring us back as they had all threatened to do before. Then upon finally getting here, the police wouldn’t charge him because it would be too much trouble. They also wouldn’t help me with a restraining order. I went to the courthouse and did it myself, luckily there was a girl there that gave me the number to place that would help. Resources Inc. They helped me with legal advice and helped me file for the divorce. After the divorce of finalized, a couple of the counselors got me help with S.A.F.E. House. I was the first person to not live at the shelter to receive counseling there. I owe so much to them.


But my mom bitches about how Ash will never know her father, or her brother, or any other siblings she will have through him, or any of his family. She sides with him, believes what he said about it. That nothing like that ever happened and he never laid a hand on me. Then, he admitted to her to raping me, she told me she hugged and him and told him it was alright, she didn’t blame him, and then let him stay with her. She still defends him and his actions.


I may need help with Ash in the fall, but it is not worth this shit. When she goes back to Wisconsin for her shit, I hope that damn car breaks down.

Fuck...

Sometimes... I just want to say fuck it, but I can't.  I know I can't.  I couldn't forgive myself. 

As always, the summer months are always the hardest to get by financially. 

I brought my sister here to help.  She just got a job working a carnival throughout the state.  She's making less than minimum wage.  She told mom that she was planning on giving me everything she made, but I know that won't happen. 

I've been applying everywhere I can, but for someone who hasn't worked in 7 years and has a child with special needs at home, employers don't want to take that risk.  No one will give me a chance.  So, I just keep applying and trying to get my name out there. 

I've made money from crocheting and painting.  Finally fully set up my Etsy account (nesuwiga.etsy.com - go, spend money!).  Hopefully something will sell.  But then... I can't find my crochet hooks anywhere.  Since my mom and them have been around, everything has been misplaced and then when I ask them it's always the same, "nope, haven't seen it, didn't touch it", me asking if they even know what it is or what it looks like, "well no", me explaining what it was, "oh...yeah... I don't remember"...

So there goes my one good source of income.  I can paint, but by the time they're painted and ready to sell, there's no way I could get the money before July and right now I'm about $400 short on rent.  I still owe $144 to the phone company, and the vet bill for July is $53.  How the fuck am I going to do it?? 

I know I can't ask my dad.  I've had one friend offer to front me the money, but I'm wary because although I know she makes good money at a nice job, she's not yet a permanent employee and I won't be able to pay her back till the end of August.  I'm just not comfortable with it, but I may have to.  I don't know... :( 

And I don't want to tell Scott, but I don't know how I can keep this from him.  Then his parents will find out and try to help and they've already done so much for me.  I just don't know...

I'm going to take my frustrations out on the apartment and get it clean.  And cook. 

Making indian tacos tomorrow for everyone.  Northern style, the good frybread.  Just wish I could afford bison, but at $10 a pound, no way in hell. 

Summer time...

Semester ended about a month ago.  I got one A and one B.  Kinda upset, wanted to keep the strait A thing going, but what are you gonna do.  I missed so many classes because the kid kept getting sick.  Next semester, I'm going to go full time again.  I'm freaking out.  I don't know what to do with her when she gets out of school, because I'll still be in school. 

My mom came to help me the last few weeks of school with Ash, since she was out of one of her schools and I had finals.  Then she brought down Randall.  Randall... The father of my ex-husband, who is in a fucked up relationship with my mother (he's abusive mentally, and she won't fucking get rid of his ass), I hate him, but we keep in civil because he has an interest in the kid and he is her grandfather. 

Then the little sister (who stayed in Wisconsin) kept fucking around up there, so mom brought her down as well.  The original plan was for her to come here, and help me.  I finally open up and admit that I need help and this is what happens...

It's been a month... they don't have steady jobs.  They're starting to take over my apartment, and the sister just keeps having pity parties for herself and doing the whole "no one listens, no one cares, poor me" bullshit.  She's been having an attitude every damn time I ask her to do anything.  She's bitching because she's been sleeping in the living room even though I told her she could stay in the kid's room (she sleeps with me anyway and there's a full sized bed in there). 

So... I'm even more stressed out than before and now have more fucking mouths to feed.  They got foodstamps, but they don't know shit about budgeting out anything or smart buying. 

Today I told my sister that her feeling sorry for herself will do nothing to help her in life and that I can't afford to have another dependent. 

She's on her way over here (I'm dog sitting for a couple friends) and then I plan on talking to her some more about it.  I'm tempted to give her a dead line and point out that I don't care if they are family or not, I will kick them out of my home. 

On Tuesday, when I'm done dogsitting, I'm going to talk to all of them and reaffirm my boundaries. 

It's my home and I don't like that I'm starting to feel unwelcomed there and like I'm a stranger.  I can't focus, so I can't paint.  And I need to paint. 

I hate summer time.