I need a break from myself

For almost two months now Morigana has been being such a fucking bitch to Lucifer that I don't know what to do.  As for now, she's in what I call solitary confinment.  She's locked in one of the bathrooms.  I go in twice a day to spend time with her, refill her food and water bowls, and clean the litter box.  Every couple of days I let her out to roam around the rest of the apartment until she goes after Lucy again (which is within 5 minutes of her being out). 

Why did I start doing this? 

Because for the first time in my life I actually wanted to and saw myself severely hurting an animal, even killing her.  I seriously saw myself breaking her neck.  That's not good.  It scared the crap out of me. 

She's been after Lucy so much, she wouldn't let him leave my room.  Food and water bowls are in there, but no litter boxes, so he started peeing and pooping under my bed.  Not cool.  I banned them from the rooms, and started mixing a calming pheramone (it's worked before) into their water.  Instead she started trapping him in the kitchen, and one day I woke up to discover what seemed like both of them sat on the other and pissed.  It's not fun to come home to find cat shit in your kitchen cabinets and on top of your fridge, or on both of your cats.  I blocked those routes.  She trapped him in the bathroom in the corner behind the toilet, he didn't eat or drink for days and barely had the energy to get up or defend himself when she would go in there and attack him.  I started locking her in her carrier at night so Lucy could be with us at night and have some peace.  In the morning he started to refuse to leave the room, and at night she started attacking me.  I broke.  And now, I don't know what to do with her. 

So that's the cats...

With everything else... It's getting harder and harder to keep going.  I have to, and I hate that I have to. 

And when it comes to Scott... I just don't know anymore.  I don't know. 

I'm so fucking frustrated!!

Okay... so there's Scott... on off on off on off... for almost three fucking years now.  Still emotionally dead because of what his ex fiance did to him.  Says he's over it, but yet... still fucking emotionally dead.  SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!  oh, you are... WELL APPARENTLY NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL CLOSED OFF TO EVERYONE!  AND YOU DON'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT! 

Says he cares about us and wants to make sure we are okay... guess what... the only thing I need now is a stable relationship with someone who loves me... the only thing Ashley needs is a stable daddy figure that loves her... but guess what else... YOU DON'T FUCKING LOVE US!!  I DON'T CARE HOW EVER YOU WORD HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT US, THE BOTTOM LINE IS ALWAYS YOU DON'T LOVE US!! 

I'M SO TIRED OF GOING THROUGH EVERYTHING!!  JUST ONCE I WANT A FUCKING BREAK!  I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!  I'M 25, I'M TIRED, I CAN'T TAKE IT!  BUT I HAVE ASHLEY AND I CAN'T LEAVE HER, BUT I JUST WANT IT TO STOP.  I'M SO TIRED OF BEING ALONE.  so tired. 

So Yesterday...

       
My mom went on a whole rant about how she never abused me and I’m full of shit. While going on this rant she also admitted to a couple times that she did in fact beat me (incidents I don’t remember), but said she couldn’t remember all the ones I did remember. So therefore, they’re all lies and I’m delusional. She also bitched about an incident when I was in 5th grade. A girl in my class told the teacher that my mom beat me, teacher reported it, me and my older sister where sent to the office where CPS looked at us, didn’t find any marks and we both stuck with our stories that she spanked us when we were brats, but didn’t beat us. CPS also interviewed mom and Nana, they denied everything. The case was dropped. Mom actually beat me that night, I remember being thrown, then waking up on Nana’s bed. But aparently, according to mom, that never happened. Funny, since Nana had remembered it, so did two of my aunts who weren’t even there at the time, but no one will say anything to mom. She also bitched about how pissed off everyone still is about it and how dare I tell the teacher that. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter how much I tell them my side, it will never be heard.


She went on and on bitching about me, until I finally managed to break in and turn the conversation to the topic on hand, talking about a friend and her family and contemplating why she seems to be so self conscience and such low self esteem when she really shouldn’t.


I’m glad I was able to do that because I know, she would have continued on and defended my ex-husband and blamed everything on me. For those that don’t know, my ex-husband (my daughter’s father) was abusive. I never wanted to marry him, but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I did. After a year of marriage I became pregnant, he told me to “get rid of it”, and that’s when I snapped and said no. Then the abuse went from just mental and verbal to those plus physical and sexual. I finally managed to get out when my daughter was 4 months old. I got restraining orders on him, but since I had fled to another state, I couldn’t press charges. When I left, that night, I asked the police for help finding a shelter or just some type of help, they encouraged me to go back to him because we were married and a family. I kept driving until I was about 200 miles away, found a motel, and after getting us in there, made sure no one could see in through the windows and that they could not be opened, checked the locks on the door and blocked it. Next day, I just kept on, putting as much distance as possible between us and him, never knowing if he would get his family to help bring us back as they had all threatened to do before. Then upon finally getting here, the police wouldn’t charge him because it would be too much trouble. They also wouldn’t help me with a restraining order. I went to the courthouse and did it myself, luckily there was a girl there that gave me the number to place that would help. Resources Inc. They helped me with legal advice and helped me file for the divorce. After the divorce of finalized, a couple of the counselors got me help with S.A.F.E. House. I was the first person to not live at the shelter to receive counseling there. I owe so much to them.


But my mom bitches about how Ash will never know her father, or her brother, or any other siblings she will have through him, or any of his family. She sides with him, believes what he said about it. That nothing like that ever happened and he never laid a hand on me. Then, he admitted to her to raping me, she told me she hugged and him and told him it was alright, she didn’t blame him, and then let him stay with her. She still defends him and his actions.


I may need help with Ash in the fall, but it is not worth this shit. When she goes back to Wisconsin for her shit, I hope that damn car breaks down.

Fuck...

Sometimes... I just want to say fuck it, but I can't.  I know I can't.  I couldn't forgive myself. 

As always, the summer months are always the hardest to get by financially. 

I brought my sister here to help.  She just got a job working a carnival throughout the state.  She's making less than minimum wage.  She told mom that she was planning on giving me everything she made, but I know that won't happen. 

I've been applying everywhere I can, but for someone who hasn't worked in 7 years and has a child with special needs at home, employers don't want to take that risk.  No one will give me a chance.  So, I just keep applying and trying to get my name out there. 

I've made money from crocheting and painting.  Finally fully set up my Etsy account (nesuwiga.etsy.com - go, spend money!).  Hopefully something will sell.  But then... I can't find my crochet hooks anywhere.  Since my mom and them have been around, everything has been misplaced and then when I ask them it's always the same, "nope, haven't seen it, didn't touch it", me asking if they even know what it is or what it looks like, "well no", me explaining what it was, "oh...yeah... I don't remember"...

So there goes my one good source of income.  I can paint, but by the time they're painted and ready to sell, there's no way I could get the money before July and right now I'm about $400 short on rent.  I still owe $144 to the phone company, and the vet bill for July is $53.  How the fuck am I going to do it?? 

I know I can't ask my dad.  I've had one friend offer to front me the money, but I'm wary because although I know she makes good money at a nice job, she's not yet a permanent employee and I won't be able to pay her back till the end of August.  I'm just not comfortable with it, but I may have to.  I don't know... :( 

And I don't want to tell Scott, but I don't know how I can keep this from him.  Then his parents will find out and try to help and they've already done so much for me.  I just don't know...

I'm going to take my frustrations out on the apartment and get it clean.  And cook. 

Making indian tacos tomorrow for everyone.  Northern style, the good frybread.  Just wish I could afford bison, but at $10 a pound, no way in hell. 

Summer time...

Semester ended about a month ago.  I got one A and one B.  Kinda upset, wanted to keep the strait A thing going, but what are you gonna do.  I missed so many classes because the kid kept getting sick.  Next semester, I'm going to go full time again.  I'm freaking out.  I don't know what to do with her when she gets out of school, because I'll still be in school. 

My mom came to help me the last few weeks of school with Ash, since she was out of one of her schools and I had finals.  Then she brought down Randall.  Randall... The father of my ex-husband, who is in a fucked up relationship with my mother (he's abusive mentally, and she won't fucking get rid of his ass), I hate him, but we keep in civil because he has an interest in the kid and he is her grandfather. 

Then the little sister (who stayed in Wisconsin) kept fucking around up there, so mom brought her down as well.  The original plan was for her to come here, and help me.  I finally open up and admit that I need help and this is what happens...

It's been a month... they don't have steady jobs.  They're starting to take over my apartment, and the sister just keeps having pity parties for herself and doing the whole "no one listens, no one cares, poor me" bullshit.  She's been having an attitude every damn time I ask her to do anything.  She's bitching because she's been sleeping in the living room even though I told her she could stay in the kid's room (she sleeps with me anyway and there's a full sized bed in there). 

So... I'm even more stressed out than before and now have more fucking mouths to feed.  They got foodstamps, but they don't know shit about budgeting out anything or smart buying. 

Today I told my sister that her feeling sorry for herself will do nothing to help her in life and that I can't afford to have another dependent. 

She's on her way over here (I'm dog sitting for a couple friends) and then I plan on talking to her some more about it.  I'm tempted to give her a dead line and point out that I don't care if they are family or not, I will kick them out of my home. 

On Tuesday, when I'm done dogsitting, I'm going to talk to all of them and reaffirm my boundaries. 

It's my home and I don't like that I'm starting to feel unwelcomed there and like I'm a stranger.  I can't focus, so I can't paint.  And I need to paint. 

I hate summer time. 

I don't like this...

As some know, I have a daughter who just turned 5 a month ago. When she was about 14 months old, during a checkup, her doctor first stated that Ash didn't seem to be developing at a normal right. She still was not walking, and had only just started standing on her own. The thought had been in the back of my mind, but being mom and not wanting anything wrong with my child, I had ignored it. She recommended referring Ashley to a developmental program because of physical delays. I postponed, because I wanted to see if Ash would start on her own. By June, she hadn't. The referral was sent. Ash started walking July 4th of that year, about a week after the referral was sent, but I decided to let the program at least evaluate her because I had growing concerns about Ash not doubling her birth weight yet and she had started to bang her head on the floor and wall and didn't show signs of pain. On July 30th of 2008, they evaluated her. After the tests, they determined that she did not need physical therapy, but they felt she had some sensory issues and noticed a language delay. She began speech and occupational therapy almost immediately. On April 22nd of 2009, she was given an evaluation by the Early Childhood Evaluation Program. The evaluation team found that there was no clear cut diagnosis for her delays or underlying causes without further testing. They did state that she has developmental delays, which include a speech delay and Sensory Processing Disorder. The evaluators also noted that they had never seen or heard of a child like Ashley with the wide range of sensory issues she had. Since, she's been in different programs and recieving therapy for them. She finally got an MRI, it had been the hope of those involved with her case that it would give us some answers as to what was going on, but it was clean and gave us no new insight. Next year she goes to kindergarten. Today I had an IEP meeting with her teacher, her speech therapist, an IEP specialist, a regular kindergarten teacher, and a special education kindergarten teacher. Although the sensory is no longer an issue, the speech still is. She still has deficits in the areas of expressive and receptive language, communication, and social-emotional skills related to language and communication. We've requested that she have an early re-evaluation before her scheduled one in July of 2013. Until then, next year she will be placed in a regular classroom and then moved to a special ed classroom for reading and math. No matter how much time has passed, no matter how many times they tell me that everything will get easier... it doesn't. It still hurts. I have so much guilt surrounding all of this. It doesn't get easier, it gets harder. There are still days when, I just can't do it. People wonder why I take on as many projects as I do, why I keep busy all the time. Why I'm currently making about 5 different crochet projects, painting 3 different paintings (and planning more), reading about 7 books, and all on top of my classes, Ashley's doctor appointments, and all these meetings for everything. I can't be alone with my thoughts. I just can't.

Pet peeve

So this is going to be a rant centered around one of my biggest pet peeves.

As some know, I post regularly in a forum, and I love it. Most of the people are great and supportive, but there are a few... well... fuck being nice, they're dumbasses. Most of the ones that piss me off are the young teen girls who go on and on about when they get pregnant blah blah blah or the guys (who don't have kids and aren't in relationships) that are 100% against abortion and birth control. But today... it's the non parents and some parents.

The topic under discussion is discipline and where the line is between discipline and abuse. This quickly turned into a spanking is bad-blah-blah-whinny-bullshit-shut the fuck up kinda thing.

Now... I believe in discipline, if that includes spanking, have at it! Everyone is different, every kid is different, every parent is different. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I admit that I sometimes will spank Ash. I know sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes just the threat works. As she gets older it's easier to talk to her about her behavior and correct it that way. It's also getting easier to reward good behavior because she is starting to grasp more social constructs. I don't know if that's the right word, and I really don't give a shit right now.

But what gets me... what pisses me the fuck off... Is all the non parents that do the whole, "when I have kids I would never..." blah blah crap. Yeah, when you have kids. Sure. Of course you'll be a great parent and your children will be perfect little angels and never have any problems and you'll just be one big happy family with no problems at all and will just be nothing but smiles! Good for you! Now, go have kids, and talk to me in a few years. Let's see how much shit you keep hiden and swept under the rug.

But the ones that are parents and say that shit... it's like... Good for you! Would you like a cookie? I'll make sure to send you a card that says "Congratulations on being a better parent than I am! I can only hope to be just like you!"

Or the ones (both groups of self righteous dumbasses) that go on and on about how if they were in my shoes... Are you volunteering to care for my child and have it a go? No? Then shut the fuck up and mind your own fucking business. Oh, you do what to have a go at it? Not so easy now was that? Of course it's because I've already tainted the child and if she had been with you since birth she would be much better. Would you like a cookie?

Seriously... Oh the various gods and goddesses please do not let the self righteous dumbasses reproduce! And if they already have, lets expose their skeletons.