:'(

So... both cats went to the vet today. They go back in 3 weeks for their boosters. Everything with Morigana is fine, and when we go in 3 weeks they will schedule her spay. Lucifer...

His teeth are really bad, so he needs dental work. Normally wouldn't be a problem, but he has a heart murmur. This is new. It can be caused by several things, and we need to know what is causing it. And the dental problems can make it worse, but we can't do the dental work until we know what is causing the murmur because the cause may mean they can't put him under anesthesia. So that mean, complete blood work, urine analysis, x-rays, and an echo. He has to go to a cardiologist.

They said that no matter what the cause, it all comes down to one thing - he will die from heart failure. It's just a matter of finding out what the underlying condition is so we can know how long he has and if we can medicate him. But...

I'm so scared. He's my baby. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's saved me so many times. I love him.

Bad Week

Full of memories and nightmares. Sometimes I forget how angry I am. How resentful I am.

How angry I am at my friends and family for not realizing something was up and thinking that I was the kid of person to be okay with the situation I was in. Angrier at myself for putting up the false exterior that made them believe and think that in the first place.

The one that gets me though. Really gets me. My dad. Some of it I'm sure can be attributed to my step mom, but really it was dad. He's the one who said those things. He made those decisions. He actually believed that I would marry someone he did not approve of.

Part of the reason I was so ashamed and hid behind the mask I made for myself is because I always felt that dad had taught me better. To never be a victim. And I let him down. Then when I finally got over that this happened:

Me: "do you know what happened?"
Dad: "no, and I don't want to. Whatever happened I'm sure you deserved it."

That stings. It hurts. It's the worse thing anyone has ever said to me.

It was then I realized that I shouldn't feel guilty about letting him down or disappointing him. He let me down. And I realized that he's always let me down and I've always been disappointed in him.

People say that you can have several dads but you only have one mom. That's not true for me. I've had several moms. My mom knows this and acknowledges that she was never really a mom to me, but these women were. Some were aunts, dad's exs, step mom, friends' moms, and so on. But I've only had one dad. He's my daddy and I love him no matter what. But I'm so disappointed in him.

So disappointed. At myself.

Creeps

As I sit here on campus waiting for my Latin class to begin I'm looking around and realizing that there's an unusual number of creepy old men around that aren't normally here.

Normally I wouldn't think twice but they keep staring at me. One made it a point to walk around the table I'm sitting at twice before picking a table directly across from me.

It's times like this where I would like to be able to go throughout my day without feeling violated. On Monday there were men like this on the bus. I ended up walking about 2 1/2 miles home so I wouldn't have to deal with them staring, smiling, and trying to talk to me.

Sorry creepy men, I can't hear you over James Hetfield singing in my ear.

I go run away to my happy place now.

Stay crazy.

So...

For the first time, I wrote everything that happened down... okay, it wasn't all of it, but it was most of it. I sent it to a complete stranger and it's depressing as it is, I didn't want to make it harder for them to be able to read or harder for me to write it.

But it is done! I sent it off on Tuesday. And I sent it to someone who I know I will never meet, and I doubt they will write back or anything. Be cool if they did, but at the same time, idk.

And... good news on the Ashley front:

For the past two nights she has slept in her room on her new full sized bed all by herself and for the entire night!

Even better... She's done it without any nightmares or sleep walking episodes!!

Alright her bus is going to show up any minute now, so gotta go!

Stay crazy!

Downside to being a single mom...

The one time one of your favorite bands is in the states and there is an opportunity for you to see them... you can't.

Nightwish is playing this Saturday in L.A. and I'm stuck in Albuquerque. Last week I was so close to buying tickets. Plane tickets were actually affordable, but I stopped.

Now everything is too expensive, unless I stay with a friend, which there's no way in hell I would put myself through that.

Then I remembered I couldn't anyway, Ash has a psychiatrist appointment when I would of had to fly out there. Can't miss it.

So thank you, abusive jackass ex-husband, for destroying our child's innocence and the trauma which has caused these problems!

Damn it... now I'm just pissed...

Metallica will make me feel better, and a glass of wine. Maybe Lucifer will want to cuddle...

Update

So... It has been brought to my attention that I'm never on here anymore...

On the cat front -

Lucifer... is a brat. As always.

We do have a new addition, Morigana. We call her Morgan for short. She was born on April 18, 2011. And although Lucy likes to act like he doesn't like her, he does. They're cuddling right now. And probably planning my doom.

With the kid -

She's doing better. No night terrors for almost a year now! Sensory issues are no longer noticeable and her speech is doing better. She is now on ADHD meds while she is at school.

The boyfriend -

Is no more. We're still friends, but other than that... no. So, yeah, I'm single now.

Rest of the animals -

Gerbils: Moony and Padfoot and doing well. Prongs died - we now fear they are going in order.
Birds: Plotting is insane. Suspicious died - very suddenly and suspiciously...
Fish: Only two barbs left, they keep eating each other. The pleco is huge now.

And where I can be found posting all the time: nisuwiga.tumblr.com