So... yeah...

Turbo Tax fucked up my tax return... I'm working directly with the IRS now, so hopefully within the next 8 weeks I'll get my refund finally. 

I had to borrow money from Scott and his mom to pay my bills for this month.  Which bothers the hell out of me.  I think I'm set for next month. 

I have to renew my lease in May, my rent is going up again.  I won't be able to afford it.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I may end up homeless again or living in the war zone again. 

And... I just can't do this with Scott anymore.  I've said it before several times, but I always convince myself to just wait and see like he says.  But, at this point it's been over three years, he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to live together, and on my end that spark is just gone.  We've had sex once in the past 4 months, and there was absolutely no passion or anything like it at all.  I have no interest in sleeping with him anymore, I don't even want to kiss him, so I don't.  The only connection we have is Ash, and that's not okay with me.  She may need a father, but she's needed one for years, she needs one now, and she needs one that can love her.  And it really pisses me off that out of everyone I know, he'd probably be the best choice to be her guardian if something were to happen to me. 

I resent him.  I really do.  I can't think about him without getting angry and crying.  There are no happy emotions tied to him anymore.  I've been putting on this happy front for everyone because I'm ashamed that I let this happen to me. 

So... yeah... that's where things stand.  I'm gonna go have a beer. 

FYI

I'm an idiot. I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone who cannot return those feelings.

Due to events that happened before we met, he is emotionally dead. I knew that, thought that I could keep it just a fun casual thing. And I'm an idiot.

And when he was starting to feel again, I freaked out and pushed him away. So, not only am I an idiot, but I also have commitment issues. Even after years of counseling to heal from the abuse my ex husband did to me, I still choose to be in various relationships that I know will not work out.

And as much as I love him and think that it would be wonderful if it would work out and we would get married and he would adopt Ash... I don't want him to get better. Because it scares me.

I want to go to Leeds for my masters... if he heals, I may not be able to.  It's selfish, but I've already waited 3 years... By the time I'm ready to go to Leeds it will be almost 5 years... I've already told him.  And I couldn't read him.  And that just reminded me that I'm an idiot.