RIP

On Friday July 10th I dropped Lucy off at his vet for his yearly dental cleaning.  Signed the usual paperwork, updated them on his surroundings (Morigana was re-homed, we moved in with Pat - more on that later - and we got a new puppy and he liked her).

Noon hit, no calls from the vet.

I had picked up Kelly so we could hang out.  We were at the grocery store to get stuff for dinner and I had just told her about how I hadn't had a call so his heart was probably doing fine with the sedation.

And the vet called.

They gave him the minimum sedation (as usual), he reacted fine.  They ran their various tests, they came back perfect (as usual).  They gave him a bit more sedation so they could do the cleaning (as usual).  Cleaning went perfect (as usual).  He entered recovery, everything continuing as usual, so they took him off the monitors and left him alone as the sedation would start wearing off.

Checked on him ten minutes later... he was purple.  He wasn't breathing.  They reopened his airways and got him on oxygen.  He had thick mucus coming out of his mouth and nose.  They gave him medication to help dry it out so he could breathe on his own again.  It worked enough for him to breathe without oxygen, but he was still struggling.

I broke down right there in the grocery store.  I immediately went to the shop to tell Pat what was going on and cry.  I got to the vet office, and I sat there with him with Kelly and Ashley with us for almost four hours.  His eyes were glassed over, he couldn't focus, he was so lethargic.  When I touched him, he would become active, but slow painful movements.

I left and picked Pat up from work and brought him back.  By then Kelly called Wes, who had just got off work, and he joined us as well.  I had to go in the back to get him out of his cage because he was getting defensive and was in pain.  The vet and techs couldn't get near him without fear of him hurting himself or them, but as soon as I touched him, he calmed down and relaxed.

Another hour discussing options.  I stopped touching him three times, and each time he would stop breathing until I put my hand back on him.

The only change was he was getting worse, and in the end, there was only one option.

I chose to end his suffering.  I held him.  Thanked him for everything he had done for us.  Told him I loved him.  And even after his heart stopped, I held him.

We took him home and buried him in the backyard and placed a large boulder over him.  Pat is going to fence off the area and I am going to plant a flower garden back there around him.


I kept having dreams of him.  I would feel him sleep on me at night and knead me like he would every night.  Then a week ago I had a dream that I found him in the craft room.  I picked him up and while I held him in my arms, he faded and disappeared.  I haven't dreamed of him since.


RIP Lucifer 7/14/05 - 7/10/15
My sweet baby boy.

So... yeah...

Turbo Tax fucked up my tax return... I'm working directly with the IRS now, so hopefully within the next 8 weeks I'll get my refund finally. 

I had to borrow money from Scott and his mom to pay my bills for this month.  Which bothers the hell out of me.  I think I'm set for next month. 

I have to renew my lease in May, my rent is going up again.  I won't be able to afford it.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I may end up homeless again or living in the war zone again. 

And... I just can't do this with Scott anymore.  I've said it before several times, but I always convince myself to just wait and see like he says.  But, at this point it's been over three years, he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to live together, and on my end that spark is just gone.  We've had sex once in the past 4 months, and there was absolutely no passion or anything like it at all.  I have no interest in sleeping with him anymore, I don't even want to kiss him, so I don't.  The only connection we have is Ash, and that's not okay with me.  She may need a father, but she's needed one for years, she needs one now, and she needs one that can love her.  And it really pisses me off that out of everyone I know, he'd probably be the best choice to be her guardian if something were to happen to me. 

I resent him.  I really do.  I can't think about him without getting angry and crying.  There are no happy emotions tied to him anymore.  I've been putting on this happy front for everyone because I'm ashamed that I let this happen to me. 

So... yeah... that's where things stand.  I'm gonna go have a beer. 

FYI

I'm an idiot. I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone who cannot return those feelings.

Due to events that happened before we met, he is emotionally dead. I knew that, thought that I could keep it just a fun casual thing. And I'm an idiot.

And when he was starting to feel again, I freaked out and pushed him away. So, not only am I an idiot, but I also have commitment issues. Even after years of counseling to heal from the abuse my ex husband did to me, I still choose to be in various relationships that I know will not work out.

And as much as I love him and think that it would be wonderful if it would work out and we would get married and he would adopt Ash... I don't want him to get better. Because it scares me.

I want to go to Leeds for my masters... if he heals, I may not be able to.  It's selfish, but I've already waited 3 years... By the time I'm ready to go to Leeds it will be almost 5 years... I've already told him.  And I couldn't read him.  And that just reminded me that I'm an idiot. 

I give up

It's like talking to a wall.  I just don't know anymore.  I can't keep doing this. 

I'm too depressed as it is. 

I need a break from myself

For almost two months now Morigana has been being such a fucking bitch to Lucifer that I don't know what to do.  As for now, she's in what I call solitary confinment.  She's locked in one of the bathrooms.  I go in twice a day to spend time with her, refill her food and water bowls, and clean the litter box.  Every couple of days I let her out to roam around the rest of the apartment until she goes after Lucy again (which is within 5 minutes of her being out). 

Why did I start doing this? 

Because for the first time in my life I actually wanted to and saw myself severely hurting an animal, even killing her.  I seriously saw myself breaking her neck.  That's not good.  It scared the crap out of me. 

She's been after Lucy so much, she wouldn't let him leave my room.  Food and water bowls are in there, but no litter boxes, so he started peeing and pooping under my bed.  Not cool.  I banned them from the rooms, and started mixing a calming pheramone (it's worked before) into their water.  Instead she started trapping him in the kitchen, and one day I woke up to discover what seemed like both of them sat on the other and pissed.  It's not fun to come home to find cat shit in your kitchen cabinets and on top of your fridge, or on both of your cats.  I blocked those routes.  She trapped him in the bathroom in the corner behind the toilet, he didn't eat or drink for days and barely had the energy to get up or defend himself when she would go in there and attack him.  I started locking her in her carrier at night so Lucy could be with us at night and have some peace.  In the morning he started to refuse to leave the room, and at night she started attacking me.  I broke.  And now, I don't know what to do with her. 

So that's the cats...

With everything else... It's getting harder and harder to keep going.  I have to, and I hate that I have to. 

And when it comes to Scott... I just don't know anymore.  I don't know. 

I'm so fucking frustrated!!

Okay... so there's Scott... on off on off on off... for almost three fucking years now.  Still emotionally dead because of what his ex fiance did to him.  Says he's over it, but yet... still fucking emotionally dead.  SERIOUSLY GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!  oh, you are... WELL APPARENTLY NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL CLOSED OFF TO EVERYONE!  AND YOU DON'T DO SHIT ABOUT IT! 

Says he cares about us and wants to make sure we are okay... guess what... the only thing I need now is a stable relationship with someone who loves me... the only thing Ashley needs is a stable daddy figure that loves her... but guess what else... YOU DON'T FUCKING LOVE US!!  I DON'T CARE HOW EVER YOU WORD HOW MUCH YOU CARE ABOUT US, THE BOTTOM LINE IS ALWAYS YOU DON'T LOVE US!! 

I'M SO TIRED OF GOING THROUGH EVERYTHING!!  JUST ONCE I WANT A FUCKING BREAK!  I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!  I'M 25, I'M TIRED, I CAN'T TAKE IT!  BUT I HAVE ASHLEY AND I CAN'T LEAVE HER, BUT I JUST WANT IT TO STOP.  I'M SO TIRED OF BEING ALONE.  so tired. 

So Yesterday...

       
My mom went on a whole rant about how she never abused me and I’m full of shit. While going on this rant she also admitted to a couple times that she did in fact beat me (incidents I don’t remember), but said she couldn’t remember all the ones I did remember. So therefore, they’re all lies and I’m delusional. She also bitched about an incident when I was in 5th grade. A girl in my class told the teacher that my mom beat me, teacher reported it, me and my older sister where sent to the office where CPS looked at us, didn’t find any marks and we both stuck with our stories that she spanked us when we were brats, but didn’t beat us. CPS also interviewed mom and Nana, they denied everything. The case was dropped. Mom actually beat me that night, I remember being thrown, then waking up on Nana’s bed. But aparently, according to mom, that never happened. Funny, since Nana had remembered it, so did two of my aunts who weren’t even there at the time, but no one will say anything to mom. She also bitched about how pissed off everyone still is about it and how dare I tell the teacher that. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter how much I tell them my side, it will never be heard.


She went on and on bitching about me, until I finally managed to break in and turn the conversation to the topic on hand, talking about a friend and her family and contemplating why she seems to be so self conscience and such low self esteem when she really shouldn’t.


I’m glad I was able to do that because I know, she would have continued on and defended my ex-husband and blamed everything on me. For those that don’t know, my ex-husband (my daughter’s father) was abusive. I never wanted to marry him, but due to some unfortunate circumstances, I did. After a year of marriage I became pregnant, he told me to “get rid of it”, and that’s when I snapped and said no. Then the abuse went from just mental and verbal to those plus physical and sexual. I finally managed to get out when my daughter was 4 months old. I got restraining orders on him, but since I had fled to another state, I couldn’t press charges. When I left, that night, I asked the police for help finding a shelter or just some type of help, they encouraged me to go back to him because we were married and a family. I kept driving until I was about 200 miles away, found a motel, and after getting us in there, made sure no one could see in through the windows and that they could not be opened, checked the locks on the door and blocked it. Next day, I just kept on, putting as much distance as possible between us and him, never knowing if he would get his family to help bring us back as they had all threatened to do before. Then upon finally getting here, the police wouldn’t charge him because it would be too much trouble. They also wouldn’t help me with a restraining order. I went to the courthouse and did it myself, luckily there was a girl there that gave me the number to place that would help. Resources Inc. They helped me with legal advice and helped me file for the divorce. After the divorce of finalized, a couple of the counselors got me help with S.A.F.E. House. I was the first person to not live at the shelter to receive counseling there. I owe so much to them.


But my mom bitches about how Ash will never know her father, or her brother, or any other siblings she will have through him, or any of his family. She sides with him, believes what he said about it. That nothing like that ever happened and he never laid a hand on me. Then, he admitted to her to raping me, she told me she hugged and him and told him it was alright, she didn’t blame him, and then let him stay with her. She still defends him and his actions.


I may need help with Ash in the fall, but it is not worth this shit. When she goes back to Wisconsin for her shit, I hope that damn car breaks down.